More Figuring

My indecisiveness is starting to show, I think I'm happy then I just switch. For a while there I was happy, now I'm just angry, annoyed and hating myself, but then again that's just me in total isn't it? I don't even know why I'm writing this blog, hell I don't even know why I care. Maybe it's for the people around me who will never see it, or maybe it's just to try to keep some of my sanity intact while I try to cope with the new enviroment, new standards of life, new challanges. Helled if I know.

Right now all that's on my brain is school, and money and wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life and time. My job is slowly hurting me more and more, my feet ache often and it's not all that easy to walk, my blisters never have a chance to fully heal. Or callus properly so it'll always hurt, I need new shoes or more of just comfy shoes to wear. I hate having to dress up, wear make up every fucking day and look well, like I'm going out to dinner when really I'm the first person who'll get yelled at for taking more then five minutes to seat someone, even if they see me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying not too over work the servers and trying to find some empty, clean, tables. I really need to find a bartending gig.

That brings me to school, ah school. I'm just fed up with trying to make sure all my money is sorted out, this student loan application thing seems to go on forever. I mean I was approved and now I need to do more paperwork then my school needs to fill out stuff and it all has to be mailed in, there's no where I can just go 'here, please process this in time for my schooling so I can pay all of it'. I mean I started applying for one a while back, but nooooo I couldn't do it online because they said 'nope, can't do that'. Fuck, I don't know if I even care anymore.

My dreams have been fucked up enough as it is, my head almost constantly hurts, my wrists are getting worse, shooting more pain up into my forearms but there's nothing really I can do about it so I just have to live with it. Just like my shoes for work, just like the crappy customers, it's all part of life and as horrid as it is you gotta live with it I guess. I really wouldn't mind if it just ended now though, sure I haven't done all I wanted to but I'm just fed up with it. I need some form of release and I need it pretty damn soon.