Contemplating

Well all seems to have gone to hell again, school's been delayed, I'm slacking in all aspects of the word and I just feel... the need to go places. Do something other then the usual, get out, run, dance, sing, whatever I feel like but I don't have the time or money to do so. I need to be more physical, I need something to get out my anger and frustration, something to modivate me again. I feel lost and oddly alone... even with 4 people around me more often then not. I just don't feel like me and haven't truly for a full day in a long time. I'll have bursts of me and yet I'm still hiding when something else happens, I'll be me and then be hiding in a split second... I'm trying not to be a bitch really but I have troubles dealing with everyone around me, I need somewhere I can run to and just relax... My wrists are bothering me more and more every day but there's not much I can do about it. I want to just go to a big field with a falcon, falconry's something I've wanted to learn for a long long time... I love birds and most other animals but falcons are one of my favourites. I feel like I can't talk to those around me, atleast not fully openly since it's hard to get someone alone without everyone else around. In some ways I need it all to end, in others I need it to begin, I don't know if I'm just starting this race or just ending, I'm at a loss. It brings me back to when I wanted to lay on the roof at my parent's house at night but I never could/never even tried to. I miss my animals... everyday, even though they were a hastle at home I miss them more then anything. I cry way too much now a days... too much crying not enough thinking.
The boy confuses me, I understand where he comes from but it hurts to know he doesn't want a 'relationship' in whatever sense of the word you get from it, I know I'm second best but I still try to run and place first... though I doubt that'll ever happen... infact I know it never will. I don't want to hurt him but it seems everyday I do somehow, be it physical, mental or emotional. I frustrate him and I have no one to talk to, none of my friends are up when I am, for example now and it's not like I can call them. I've gotten to be way too emotional, I'm to attached and I know if things change for the worse which I don't know if they will or not or when... how I will deal with it, if I can deal with it or how much I'll hurt myself dealing with it. Somedays he makes me feel like I'm priceless and others I feel used and unwanted. I really don't know what to make of it all. Of anything really.