Why is it that I constantly feel dead, or just fully out of energy, it's like I'm not motivated at all anymore. I don't know what I want to do with my life and it seems like I'm just in a downward spiral.
It seems I have everyone thinking I'm going to move back home when the lease here comes up but I'm not even so sure about that. I mean I do like being on my own but I also miss my family. I love the boy but I don't know if he'll be happy there. Life's just so much more complicated when you have to grow up I guess. Not that I've really grown up in years. I miss the easy times, like in high school. I miss my friends direly... but it does just seem like I'm fading out of their lives, I hardly ever talk to them, but then again they're all very busy.
I dunno, I just don't know about anything anymore, I'm at a loss and just confused about everything.
Bleh.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Quickly
I feel like I'm sinking rather quickly, school shut down, completely, never opening again kinda thing. I'm loosing money and I just don't know where I'm going in life. I got a letter from the student loan place and they want me to start paying the money back since I 'dropped out' of my courses, bullshit, my school shut down. I'm bored with work, though I am moving into serving shortly, on monday actually.
The boy and I are doing well it would seem, at times we argue and sometimes I just hurt way too much. It still hurts that he doesn't really want a relationship because it feels like I'm trying to ride that train alone where as he's off at a station somewhere talking to whomever he likes. I know stuff like that doesn't happen but I'm not not feeling the best. Though he has stopped the 'psh, she's not my girlfriend' comment which has helped.
Life just seems to have gone upside down recently, I don't know what I want to do or where I want to do it, nore do I have the money to do it and it's all rather confusing. Though I'll get to two of my friends right around my birthday which is nice, it almost seems like I only have two friends. When I go visit it's like they're the only two who want to see me at all... Other then family ofcourse. But I miss highschool in the fact that I got to see my friends everyday, and we stayed in touch where as now I get to see them once a month at most and I only stay in touch with one or two of them. I miss the good old days.
But I must get ready for work seeing as it's the only thing I really ever do anymore, as sad as that is. Oh well, it's life.
The boy and I are doing well it would seem, at times we argue and sometimes I just hurt way too much. It still hurts that he doesn't really want a relationship because it feels like I'm trying to ride that train alone where as he's off at a station somewhere talking to whomever he likes. I know stuff like that doesn't happen but I'm not not feeling the best. Though he has stopped the 'psh, she's not my girlfriend' comment which has helped.
Life just seems to have gone upside down recently, I don't know what I want to do or where I want to do it, nore do I have the money to do it and it's all rather confusing. Though I'll get to two of my friends right around my birthday which is nice, it almost seems like I only have two friends. When I go visit it's like they're the only two who want to see me at all... Other then family ofcourse. But I miss highschool in the fact that I got to see my friends everyday, and we stayed in touch where as now I get to see them once a month at most and I only stay in touch with one or two of them. I miss the good old days.
But I must get ready for work seeing as it's the only thing I really ever do anymore, as sad as that is. Oh well, it's life.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Contemplating
Well all seems to have gone to hell again, school's been delayed, I'm slacking in all aspects of the word and I just feel... the need to go places. Do something other then the usual, get out, run, dance, sing, whatever I feel like but I don't have the time or money to do so. I need to be more physical, I need something to get out my anger and frustration, something to modivate me again. I feel lost and oddly alone... even with 4 people around me more often then not. I just don't feel like me and haven't truly for a full day in a long time. I'll have bursts of me and yet I'm still hiding when something else happens, I'll be me and then be hiding in a split second... I'm trying not to be a bitch really but I have troubles dealing with everyone around me, I need somewhere I can run to and just relax... My wrists are bothering me more and more every day but there's not much I can do about it. I want to just go to a big field with a falcon, falconry's something I've wanted to learn for a long long time... I love birds and most other animals but falcons are one of my favourites. I feel like I can't talk to those around me, atleast not fully openly since it's hard to get someone alone without everyone else around. In some ways I need it all to end, in others I need it to begin, I don't know if I'm just starting this race or just ending, I'm at a loss. It brings me back to when I wanted to lay on the roof at my parent's house at night but I never could/never even tried to. I miss my animals... everyday, even though they were a hastle at home I miss them more then anything. I cry way too much now a days... too much crying not enough thinking.
The boy confuses me, I understand where he comes from but it hurts to know he doesn't want a 'relationship' in whatever sense of the word you get from it, I know I'm second best but I still try to run and place first... though I doubt that'll ever happen... infact I know it never will. I don't want to hurt him but it seems everyday I do somehow, be it physical, mental or emotional. I frustrate him and I have no one to talk to, none of my friends are up when I am, for example now and it's not like I can call them. I've gotten to be way too emotional, I'm to attached and I know if things change for the worse which I don't know if they will or not or when... how I will deal with it, if I can deal with it or how much I'll hurt myself dealing with it. Somedays he makes me feel like I'm priceless and others I feel used and unwanted. I really don't know what to make of it all. Of anything really.
The boy confuses me, I understand where he comes from but it hurts to know he doesn't want a 'relationship' in whatever sense of the word you get from it, I know I'm second best but I still try to run and place first... though I doubt that'll ever happen... infact I know it never will. I don't want to hurt him but it seems everyday I do somehow, be it physical, mental or emotional. I frustrate him and I have no one to talk to, none of my friends are up when I am, for example now and it's not like I can call them. I've gotten to be way too emotional, I'm to attached and I know if things change for the worse which I don't know if they will or not or when... how I will deal with it, if I can deal with it or how much I'll hurt myself dealing with it. Somedays he makes me feel like I'm priceless and others I feel used and unwanted. I really don't know what to make of it all. Of anything really.
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