More Figuring

My indecisiveness is starting to show, I think I'm happy then I just switch. For a while there I was happy, now I'm just angry, annoyed and hating myself, but then again that's just me in total isn't it? I don't even know why I'm writing this blog, hell I don't even know why I care. Maybe it's for the people around me who will never see it, or maybe it's just to try to keep some of my sanity intact while I try to cope with the new enviroment, new standards of life, new challanges. Helled if I know.

Right now all that's on my brain is school, and money and wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life and time. My job is slowly hurting me more and more, my feet ache often and it's not all that easy to walk, my blisters never have a chance to fully heal. Or callus properly so it'll always hurt, I need new shoes or more of just comfy shoes to wear. I hate having to dress up, wear make up every fucking day and look well, like I'm going out to dinner when really I'm the first person who'll get yelled at for taking more then five minutes to seat someone, even if they see me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying not too over work the servers and trying to find some empty, clean, tables. I really need to find a bartending gig.

That brings me to school, ah school. I'm just fed up with trying to make sure all my money is sorted out, this student loan application thing seems to go on forever. I mean I was approved and now I need to do more paperwork then my school needs to fill out stuff and it all has to be mailed in, there's no where I can just go 'here, please process this in time for my schooling so I can pay all of it'. I mean I started applying for one a while back, but nooooo I couldn't do it online because they said 'nope, can't do that'. Fuck, I don't know if I even care anymore.

My dreams have been fucked up enough as it is, my head almost constantly hurts, my wrists are getting worse, shooting more pain up into my forearms but there's nothing really I can do about it so I just have to live with it. Just like my shoes for work, just like the crappy customers, it's all part of life and as horrid as it is you gotta live with it I guess. I really wouldn't mind if it just ended now though, sure I haven't done all I wanted to but I'm just fed up with it. I need some form of release and I need it pretty damn soon.

Figuring things out

I think I know what has been bothering me, it's that I love someone who can never be mine and I hate that. He can give himself to me sexually and can have feelings for me but he belongs to another. I guess it hurts so much because I don't know if he really wants me or not, or if he's just using me for sex, sure he says he cares and all that but why should he care about me? He has another to care for, to love, I'm just the extra on the side I guess. And that hurts, I really do hate being second best, espeically when my feelings are true... But I doubt he'd know that or read it for that matter... I should probably find my own place, live on my own, even though it'll drive me insane I'm sure it would make my parents happy.

I've been having some really strange dreams recently, they've had him in them and I really don't know what they mean... I've had a few bad dreams recently too... It's rather odd to remember dreams that I normally forget.

It bothers me everytime she texts him or talks to him on the computer, and I just don't really know how to deal with it... I mean I have no right in the matter, I shouldn't let it bother me but recently it'd been cutting too deep. Maybe it's because he doesn't seem to want to talk to me or spend anytime with me... It's like he's bored with me or something, which I wouldn't doubt, I'm a rather boring person it would seem. Though some would argue, but the facts show I must be, I mean my friends don't even want to talk to me anymore... I never get a message or phonecall or anything. Whatever.

Worries

I doubt anyone will ever read this but I just need somewhere to type my thoughts and worries really to in essence let them out for a bit. Hopefully it'll help me to stop stressing out and being on the verge of tears almost every day.

Right now I just worry about school and am really worried about if I'll be able to get enough money to pay for it this year since I already put down my application fee and all that... But right now I'm down over $2000 and I don't work enough to make that in 3 weeks time when I start, so I'll have to ask family and friends for it if anyone is willing to help. I hate being in debt to people but I'd prefer to owe them money compared to the bank or my parents. I would hate for my parents to be able to say 'we told you so' and 'you should've stayed home longer'.

I left home because I wanted out, I was sick of living in the same house, in the same room, with the same rules for 19 years of my life. So I moved in with some friends of mine which my parents seemed to hate because well they're both guys. But I needed out. I still feel trapped by them, right now I just feel like things aren't right in total. Things are bothering me too much, every little thing is cutting too deep, hurting too much. I don't know what's so wrong... but I need to figure it out and change it, whatever it is.

I hate to say it but I really just don't feel right, I feel like my skin is too tight and my head has been hurting for the last few days, I just hurt and I want it to stop. But I can't run away, I've run too long. I've got a roomie who tells me the harsh truth, as much as I hate him for it sometimes because it hurts all the more, but are those his views or mine? All I know is I need to find me, I need to hold onto myself but right now all I feel like is I need to be held.