Moving to a bigger home. Boy's stressed, got my apprentiship going... I feel... bleh over the whole moving and just how much it will affect me. I dunno. I'm worried about everything and how it will affect friendships and if they'll change or break like last time. I wish all the drama would stop.. Not that it ever will, boy will feel like crap because of possible roomies we decided not to have and decided on others. Guilt was layed on thick and one's understanding the other was very childish and angry. It hurt boy lots. Then again I never really got along with the more childish one... Maybe that's why I feel this way. If I had done it I would've felt bad but not to the same extent. I just want to make sure I'm not in a toxic enviroment, not like last time. I just haven't felt like me. Been painting... OH so I thought I'd write a list of odd things I've cut myself on:
- sive
- plastic container
- my own nails
- piping bag tip
- a bun pan
and I think that's all for now...
Until I feel like writing again,
Tirien
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Friday, May 7, 2010
I still don't know why I write this damned thing, and very rarely at that. I'm concidering going into baking. Heh and I guess why I'm writing this tonight is because the boy is away so I can write in peace.
I have an odd feeling, or writing problem, I seem to always mess up my p, d, b, q's when typing and in hand written words. I'm not sure why but I find them interchangable. I read a book on hand writting annalisus which I found entriguging and I've just been trying to learn more about myself in general.
Boy and I got a ferret, his name is Enni, short for Ennilang, he with the wide forehead. He's a little rascle but I love him. I'm tired and I'm not really sure why I'm writing this I just know I am. Probably procrastinating on cleaning out Enni's poop box.
But onto more interesting manners. Tonight at work I went to set up and it seems the sake machine went crazy because when I turned it on (and walked away, like I usually do) it decided to spew out lots of hot sake on the ground, so that put a damper into the begining of my night, a big damper as I had to clean it all up before starting to set up everything else. Crapzor. But about 7 or so towels later and a good bit of rinsing them I was done that and went on with my other boring work. And the night went fairly smoothly after that. The walk home was uneventful aswell. I'm glad though that the boy did decide to leave me a note, as short as it was that he loves me, it made me smile. Even though he didn't take out the garbage like he said he would.
He's starting his own leather crafting trade, and he's been making lots but so far hasn't fully pulled though on any of it. Got commisioned for a piece, made it, the guy hasn't paid so far so it's sitting at home collecting dust. There have been talk of other commisions but so far none are getting done. I feel utterly useless in the whole matter, other then the provider. I feel like the man of this all instead of the woman, I want to be pampered, I want to stay home. I want to be lavished with kisses and love and massages. Mmmmm massages.
I miss my old work at The Keg, as much as I hated it then. Atleast I could be more meish, if that makes any sense at all. I have no idea where I'm going with this. Oh right, I miss my friends, they're all busy with their own lives and I guess I haven't reached out to them enough, or something, I'm not sure. I've made a 'friend wall' with old pictures of my friends on it, it's just a corner by my desk with the startings of a collage. But all I'm really doing is procrastinating so I should clean out Enni's poop box and go to bed.
Good night, till another day, time and maybe even place but probably not.
I have an odd feeling, or writing problem, I seem to always mess up my p, d, b, q's when typing and in hand written words. I'm not sure why but I find them interchangable. I read a book on hand writting annalisus which I found entriguging and I've just been trying to learn more about myself in general.
Boy and I got a ferret, his name is Enni, short for Ennilang, he with the wide forehead. He's a little rascle but I love him. I'm tired and I'm not really sure why I'm writing this I just know I am. Probably procrastinating on cleaning out Enni's poop box.
But onto more interesting manners. Tonight at work I went to set up and it seems the sake machine went crazy because when I turned it on (and walked away, like I usually do) it decided to spew out lots of hot sake on the ground, so that put a damper into the begining of my night, a big damper as I had to clean it all up before starting to set up everything else. Crapzor. But about 7 or so towels later and a good bit of rinsing them I was done that and went on with my other boring work. And the night went fairly smoothly after that. The walk home was uneventful aswell. I'm glad though that the boy did decide to leave me a note, as short as it was that he loves me, it made me smile. Even though he didn't take out the garbage like he said he would.
He's starting his own leather crafting trade, and he's been making lots but so far hasn't fully pulled though on any of it. Got commisioned for a piece, made it, the guy hasn't paid so far so it's sitting at home collecting dust. There have been talk of other commisions but so far none are getting done. I feel utterly useless in the whole matter, other then the provider. I feel like the man of this all instead of the woman, I want to be pampered, I want to stay home. I want to be lavished with kisses and love and massages. Mmmmm massages.
I miss my old work at The Keg, as much as I hated it then. Atleast I could be more meish, if that makes any sense at all. I have no idea where I'm going with this. Oh right, I miss my friends, they're all busy with their own lives and I guess I haven't reached out to them enough, or something, I'm not sure. I've made a 'friend wall' with old pictures of my friends on it, it's just a corner by my desk with the startings of a collage. But all I'm really doing is procrastinating so I should clean out Enni's poop box and go to bed.
Good night, till another day, time and maybe even place but probably not.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Been a long time
I dont' know what I want to do with my life still, big shock. I moved back home kinda, have my own apartment with the boy. Working at an asian place. And feeling just over all un motivated. Seeing no point to it all. But I have to figure it all out soon or I'll get yelled at and such. Though my dad called me this morning asking if he could give me a ride to work this morning, though I only work this evening, it was a nice gesture though. I need to look into courses at camosun and see if there's anything I want to do there. Maybe a chemistry program. I have no idea really. Saw a friend yesterday at work she came in to say hi which was nice, I also saw my sensei who I miss a lot, damn I miss how the dojo used to be and just the dojo in general. Oh well.
Over and out for now not much else to say.
Over and out for now not much else to say.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Bleh
Why is it that I constantly feel dead, or just fully out of energy, it's like I'm not motivated at all anymore. I don't know what I want to do with my life and it seems like I'm just in a downward spiral.
It seems I have everyone thinking I'm going to move back home when the lease here comes up but I'm not even so sure about that. I mean I do like being on my own but I also miss my family. I love the boy but I don't know if he'll be happy there. Life's just so much more complicated when you have to grow up I guess. Not that I've really grown up in years. I miss the easy times, like in high school. I miss my friends direly... but it does just seem like I'm fading out of their lives, I hardly ever talk to them, but then again they're all very busy.
I dunno, I just don't know about anything anymore, I'm at a loss and just confused about everything.
Bleh.
It seems I have everyone thinking I'm going to move back home when the lease here comes up but I'm not even so sure about that. I mean I do like being on my own but I also miss my family. I love the boy but I don't know if he'll be happy there. Life's just so much more complicated when you have to grow up I guess. Not that I've really grown up in years. I miss the easy times, like in high school. I miss my friends direly... but it does just seem like I'm fading out of their lives, I hardly ever talk to them, but then again they're all very busy.
I dunno, I just don't know about anything anymore, I'm at a loss and just confused about everything.
Bleh.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Quickly
I feel like I'm sinking rather quickly, school shut down, completely, never opening again kinda thing. I'm loosing money and I just don't know where I'm going in life. I got a letter from the student loan place and they want me to start paying the money back since I 'dropped out' of my courses, bullshit, my school shut down. I'm bored with work, though I am moving into serving shortly, on monday actually.
The boy and I are doing well it would seem, at times we argue and sometimes I just hurt way too much. It still hurts that he doesn't really want a relationship because it feels like I'm trying to ride that train alone where as he's off at a station somewhere talking to whomever he likes. I know stuff like that doesn't happen but I'm not not feeling the best. Though he has stopped the 'psh, she's not my girlfriend' comment which has helped.
Life just seems to have gone upside down recently, I don't know what I want to do or where I want to do it, nore do I have the money to do it and it's all rather confusing. Though I'll get to two of my friends right around my birthday which is nice, it almost seems like I only have two friends. When I go visit it's like they're the only two who want to see me at all... Other then family ofcourse. But I miss highschool in the fact that I got to see my friends everyday, and we stayed in touch where as now I get to see them once a month at most and I only stay in touch with one or two of them. I miss the good old days.
But I must get ready for work seeing as it's the only thing I really ever do anymore, as sad as that is. Oh well, it's life.
The boy and I are doing well it would seem, at times we argue and sometimes I just hurt way too much. It still hurts that he doesn't really want a relationship because it feels like I'm trying to ride that train alone where as he's off at a station somewhere talking to whomever he likes. I know stuff like that doesn't happen but I'm not not feeling the best. Though he has stopped the 'psh, she's not my girlfriend' comment which has helped.
Life just seems to have gone upside down recently, I don't know what I want to do or where I want to do it, nore do I have the money to do it and it's all rather confusing. Though I'll get to two of my friends right around my birthday which is nice, it almost seems like I only have two friends. When I go visit it's like they're the only two who want to see me at all... Other then family ofcourse. But I miss highschool in the fact that I got to see my friends everyday, and we stayed in touch where as now I get to see them once a month at most and I only stay in touch with one or two of them. I miss the good old days.
But I must get ready for work seeing as it's the only thing I really ever do anymore, as sad as that is. Oh well, it's life.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Contemplating
Well all seems to have gone to hell again, school's been delayed, I'm slacking in all aspects of the word and I just feel... the need to go places. Do something other then the usual, get out, run, dance, sing, whatever I feel like but I don't have the time or money to do so. I need to be more physical, I need something to get out my anger and frustration, something to modivate me again. I feel lost and oddly alone... even with 4 people around me more often then not. I just don't feel like me and haven't truly for a full day in a long time. I'll have bursts of me and yet I'm still hiding when something else happens, I'll be me and then be hiding in a split second... I'm trying not to be a bitch really but I have troubles dealing with everyone around me, I need somewhere I can run to and just relax... My wrists are bothering me more and more every day but there's not much I can do about it. I want to just go to a big field with a falcon, falconry's something I've wanted to learn for a long long time... I love birds and most other animals but falcons are one of my favourites. I feel like I can't talk to those around me, atleast not fully openly since it's hard to get someone alone without everyone else around. In some ways I need it all to end, in others I need it to begin, I don't know if I'm just starting this race or just ending, I'm at a loss. It brings me back to when I wanted to lay on the roof at my parent's house at night but I never could/never even tried to. I miss my animals... everyday, even though they were a hastle at home I miss them more then anything. I cry way too much now a days... too much crying not enough thinking.
The boy confuses me, I understand where he comes from but it hurts to know he doesn't want a 'relationship' in whatever sense of the word you get from it, I know I'm second best but I still try to run and place first... though I doubt that'll ever happen... infact I know it never will. I don't want to hurt him but it seems everyday I do somehow, be it physical, mental or emotional. I frustrate him and I have no one to talk to, none of my friends are up when I am, for example now and it's not like I can call them. I've gotten to be way too emotional, I'm to attached and I know if things change for the worse which I don't know if they will or not or when... how I will deal with it, if I can deal with it or how much I'll hurt myself dealing with it. Somedays he makes me feel like I'm priceless and others I feel used and unwanted. I really don't know what to make of it all. Of anything really.
The boy confuses me, I understand where he comes from but it hurts to know he doesn't want a 'relationship' in whatever sense of the word you get from it, I know I'm second best but I still try to run and place first... though I doubt that'll ever happen... infact I know it never will. I don't want to hurt him but it seems everyday I do somehow, be it physical, mental or emotional. I frustrate him and I have no one to talk to, none of my friends are up when I am, for example now and it's not like I can call them. I've gotten to be way too emotional, I'm to attached and I know if things change for the worse which I don't know if they will or not or when... how I will deal with it, if I can deal with it or how much I'll hurt myself dealing with it. Somedays he makes me feel like I'm priceless and others I feel used and unwanted. I really don't know what to make of it all. Of anything really.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
More Figuring
My indecisiveness is starting to show, I think I'm happy then I just switch. For a while there I was happy, now I'm just angry, annoyed and hating myself, but then again that's just me in total isn't it? I don't even know why I'm writing this blog, hell I don't even know why I care. Maybe it's for the people around me who will never see it, or maybe it's just to try to keep some of my sanity intact while I try to cope with the new enviroment, new standards of life, new challanges. Helled if I know.
Right now all that's on my brain is school, and money and wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life and time. My job is slowly hurting me more and more, my feet ache often and it's not all that easy to walk, my blisters never have a chance to fully heal. Or callus properly so it'll always hurt, I need new shoes or more of just comfy shoes to wear. I hate having to dress up, wear make up every fucking day and look well, like I'm going out to dinner when really I'm the first person who'll get yelled at for taking more then five minutes to seat someone, even if they see me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying not too over work the servers and trying to find some empty, clean, tables. I really need to find a bartending gig.
That brings me to school, ah school. I'm just fed up with trying to make sure all my money is sorted out, this student loan application thing seems to go on forever. I mean I was approved and now I need to do more paperwork then my school needs to fill out stuff and it all has to be mailed in, there's no where I can just go 'here, please process this in time for my schooling so I can pay all of it'. I mean I started applying for one a while back, but nooooo I couldn't do it online because they said 'nope, can't do that'. Fuck, I don't know if I even care anymore.
My dreams have been fucked up enough as it is, my head almost constantly hurts, my wrists are getting worse, shooting more pain up into my forearms but there's nothing really I can do about it so I just have to live with it. Just like my shoes for work, just like the crappy customers, it's all part of life and as horrid as it is you gotta live with it I guess. I really wouldn't mind if it just ended now though, sure I haven't done all I wanted to but I'm just fed up with it. I need some form of release and I need it pretty damn soon.
Right now all that's on my brain is school, and money and wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life and time. My job is slowly hurting me more and more, my feet ache often and it's not all that easy to walk, my blisters never have a chance to fully heal. Or callus properly so it'll always hurt, I need new shoes or more of just comfy shoes to wear. I hate having to dress up, wear make up every fucking day and look well, like I'm going out to dinner when really I'm the first person who'll get yelled at for taking more then five minutes to seat someone, even if they see me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying not too over work the servers and trying to find some empty, clean, tables. I really need to find a bartending gig.
That brings me to school, ah school. I'm just fed up with trying to make sure all my money is sorted out, this student loan application thing seems to go on forever. I mean I was approved and now I need to do more paperwork then my school needs to fill out stuff and it all has to be mailed in, there's no where I can just go 'here, please process this in time for my schooling so I can pay all of it'. I mean I started applying for one a while back, but nooooo I couldn't do it online because they said 'nope, can't do that'. Fuck, I don't know if I even care anymore.
My dreams have been fucked up enough as it is, my head almost constantly hurts, my wrists are getting worse, shooting more pain up into my forearms but there's nothing really I can do about it so I just have to live with it. Just like my shoes for work, just like the crappy customers, it's all part of life and as horrid as it is you gotta live with it I guess. I really wouldn't mind if it just ended now though, sure I haven't done all I wanted to but I'm just fed up with it. I need some form of release and I need it pretty damn soon.
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